Sleep has been very limited lately which means something is coming. My mind is restless and on a fierce hunt for something...although I remain social and enjoy the company of others, there is that space in my brain that never pays attention to anything other than the pitter-patter of my own thoughts. When I finally arrive upon the right one, the one I’ve been waiting for, there will be a click and the questions will be answered.

All questions of life and love are related to writing. As the BIG questions swirl around in my head I recognize that their answers are necessary for my writing to be complete. What is that thing that is missing? What is that thing that wakes me at four in the morning with a fluttering heart and racing mind? There is something missing……or maybe something needs to be stripped away?

A few weeks ago I went to a concert. I was there for the main act but it was the music of the opening act, Kishi Bashi that spoke to my soul. His song “Manchester” reminds me of those moments of exquisite peace and calm just before dawn. Those few seconds shrouded in darkness and angelic silence when complete rebirth and absolute freedom are possible. Standing there in the dimness of the small concert hall that one moment that occurs at all good concerts took place. It was that moment when your eyes fill with tears and you realize that you are exactly where you need to be. Everything else falls away and you stand there waiting, knowing that a message of some sort is coming your way.

New music is something that has been lacking in my life lately. Over the past few weeks I’ve been exposed to some good music that may not be new…but it’s new to me. Not the songs you hear on the radio every three hours. Instead of the common, popular songs you can hear pouring out of the car windows, songs I wouldn’t find in the usual places have been showing up in my life. A friend made me a couple of CDs and I saw a local band that is starting to gain national attention-but their music doesn’t sound like some mass production project. I used to seek out new music and feed off its inspiration. The songs were mostly dark, often tragic and not stuff you would want to start a new day off with unless you were unhappy. Music I listened to five years ago doesn’t sit right with me now. I still like those songs but they don’t fit this stage of life. I’ve evolved and during that evolution, my creativity has grown and demands a more well-rounded approach. The same is true of my taste in music and my overall perspective.

Over the years as my opinions of the world have changed and become more positive I realize that creation can come from beauty and love. It doesn’t have to always be tragic. Creation, after all is a positive process that arises from blessed gifts. Back in 2006 I published a chapbook of poetry that no one I’ve met in the past year would believe could have come from me. Sometimes I hesitate and don’t even tell people about Underneath My Bed but the more I think about it, that chapbook is so important in the trajectory of my life and writing. Writing has always been a refuge, a place to go when everything fell apart. Now it is much more than that. Over the years writing has become something sacred and spiritual for me. I want to write things that examine the soul not condemn the world or provide a one-sided view of life. I want a well-rounded experience that doesn’t lean too heavily to either side of the coin. I want to write pieces that allow entry from all sides.

So I have this novel, written in various parts of my life that has evolved and changed over time. As I look at it now I don’t know that it says what I want it to. I think it starts to hide behind shadows in places and make excuses about what it is. Where does it hide? Why? What can we do about that?