So my favorite part about reading through Lives Lived and reorganizing the novel is that it follows the same outline I made for the novel some three years ago. I guess we always find our way back to the right path, eventually. Today has consisted of a great deal of pacing and talking to myself. The connection of one half of this novel to the other is contingent on the presentation of an event. This event will also be the introduction of the antagonist. You will meet him and the trouble will begin.

Like I’ve mentioned before, Lives Lived deals with the way our lives intersect with one another. Yesterday I spent the day staring off into space trying to figure out exactly how I want to introduce Ian and Kelly. After hours upon hours of motionlessness, I figured something out. In theory, unsuccessful relationships should be incredibly easy for me to write about since I have a decent amount of experience with them. However, I find myself really struggling to write about this failed relationship in my novel. I’ve never had a relationship that I did not have major doubts about from the very beginning so the failure of my relationships is really a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts (And yes, I understand this is a defense mechanism I use to avoid getting hurt). What does it feel like to go into a relationship that you thought was indestructible only to have it fall apart? That is the question I grapple with because I’m not quite clear on how someone can be so sure of something only to have it fall apart years later. The answer, of course, is that nothing falls apart. When things end, we help them along.

Entering into relationships with men I have serious doubts about is a personal flaw of mine, I suppose. Falling in love is one of the scariest things you can do. I will admit, I’ve been skittish at times and have avoided love simply because I was far too scared to be that vulnerable. I’m terribly shy when it comes to that sort of thing. Dating. The great anomaly of my life. I’m used to being alone. Not just figurative, but literally. My world is in my head and if you should hope to date me, you have to get in there. A fair amount of people don’t get what goes on in their own heads, let alone someone else’s, so successful dating, if I should ever really try, will be rather limited for me. I’m not saying that I’m more advance than anyone else, but I will say this. The majority of men I’ve dated have not known themselves well enough for me to stake any eternal claim with them. However, I’ve had some meaningful relationships with men I’ve never dated. I’ve never been in love with any guy I’ve dated but I’ve loved a few great men.

So this couple that is experiencing this great disconnection from one another is something I’ve struggled to write about. Why? Because to be in a relationship that appears to suddenly fall apart you either don’t know yourself, or the person you’re with, very well. Or, you have been in denial. Strong words for someone who hasn’t had a relationship in quite some time but, if you think about it, what does everyone say when it all falls apart? “Oh, they’ve changed” or “I’ve changed” when really, what has changed is how we view one another’s actions. In the beginning, it might be okay that he is late for every single event because you’re infatuated with the guy. However, in ten years when your kids are crying because their dad missed their school play because he’s always late, you might not be as understanding. Yes, people change but not as often as people start to remember who they truly are and what they expect. This is why, in my amateur opinion, so many opposites attract and are happy for three or four years, but fall apart after seven or ten years.

On paper, Kelly and Ian make a good couple, but they don’t work in reality. Many people think it’s the surface things they need to have in common with their mate but really, it’s all the stuff that lies beneath the surface you need to see eye to eye on. Work ethic. Values. Morals. Religion. Love. Sex. Money. Success. These are the things that tear people apart. It’s so important to be on the same page about these things. Again, my amateur advice is, before you date or marry someone, be clear on how they feel about these issues.

What does this have to do with my novel? Everything. Initially I was going to spend several chapters showing how Ian and Kelly are ill suited for one another. However, after closer examination, I think I can show their differences without spending 20 pages on their relationship. In fact, I think I can condense everything readers need to know about these two into one, maybe two chapters. The pacing and talking to myself has been very productive today. I’m right on the edge….I almost have it.