This morning I was having great anxiety about waking up at 5:30 tomorrow morning. Since I have been going to bed around 2 or 3 a.m., I’m afraid I won’t be able to fall asleep tonight. I know it’s crazy to already be hyperventilating about this now, before the situation occurs, but I am. On top of the early rising I have to do tomorrow I feel much worse than I did yesterday. My throat and ears hurt and my body wants to stay in bed all day. I guess I should have taken that free flu shot my job offered that I totally blew off, for no particular reason at all.

I don’t know why I didn’t realize this before now, but working seven days a week is not that great for the body, mind or soul. I think a few days off next week are a necessity. Last night I stayed up late to read and realized that so far this week I’ve done nothing but read and write in my free time. It feels great but I need a little bit of time to relax and get better, and of course, I want to see people. I’ve seriously been sick for like a month now. Regardless, that does not make me exempt from writing. I still need to get in my 1666 words today. It’s been slow going today. I actually took a nap between 11:30 and 2, hoping that I would feel better. I’m still pretty rundown but I do feel a bit better. Thinking it is time for me to finally buy some Theraflu.

Today, I want to work on a character sketch for Ian and spend some time writing and developing his character further. I also want to work on writing more about Ian and Kelly. I like the idea of the alternating chapters. In fact, I’ve always liked that idea, but I know it will take a fair amount of time to create more chapters for this book. Last night I spent some time working on a chapter that I want to mirror the first chapter of the book. I want the four main characters to be introduced while the novel is young. The chapters should compare and contrast the couples in a manner that is not too obvious. The cues and references should be subtle, not obvious. The characters are making choices in their lives but I don’t want readers to judge them too harshly. In order for that to happen I have keep my own biases to myself.

I feel like I can write male characters better than female characters. This is a strange revelation that I don’t fully understand. In my life I’ve always been closer to men than women and the majority of my friends are men. Most of my favorite books involve heroes, not heroines. And no, this isn’t some weird situation of female assimilation into patriarchy by way of “oppression” blah, blah blah. My womanhood has not oppressed me into believe that men are better than women. Please none of that suspicious, simple thinking. I can’t stand that sort of thing.

This brings me back to a conversation I was having yesterday with some friends. Culture is constructed and shaped by where we come from, and who tells us what they think we should know. Over time we have the ability to change our beliefs and how we behave, based on choices and what we learn on our own. I am not close with my father, but my sisters appear to be. He and I butt heads all the time. I do things he doesn’t think a girl should do. Like pack a bag, hop on a train and move across country for no particular reason other than simply wanting to do it. With no man to take care of me, he wonders, how do I get along? My father is not the only man I have trouble getting along with. One of the reasons dating is so difficult for me is because I appear dominant, self-sufficient and smart and while many men will tell you they want that, some of them don't like it at all. I once dated a man who thought giving me his credit card to go shopping would make me happy. First of all, I hate shopping, second of all, I have my own credit cards and lastly, why would I use credit cards, his or mine, for frivolous things? I also, in the past, would flee commitment because I feared confinement, which is what many commitments look like to me. However, I’m not a feminist and don’t aspire to be one. I love to have the door held for me, I shave my legs, love sitting a meal I’ve prepared in front of a man and I feel safe around men. I want to get married, have a kid or two, wear a pink apron and clean house. And yes, there is a hero in my story and he will participate in the saving of the heroine. And when I read that section of the novel, I become giddy and feel like I’m reading a fairytale. There is a certain amount of saving a girl has do for herself but really, at the end of the day, it’s so nice to have the warm strong arms of a handsome knight in shining armor swoop you up.

You could call me an uncommon girl. I watch people and spend an inordinate amount of time by myself so I don’t learn as many traits as I create. I’m led by what feels natural to me and what I think, not what people would expect from someone wearing the labels they believe apply to me. Therefore, it can be difficult for me to really know how others “should” act according to the stereotypes and gender roles most assign to others. I guess my characters will be more like myself. They will act according to who they are, what they feel and what they think. A striking concept for some. For others, it will be a nice change from the ordinary.