It’s 3:20 in the morning. I’m so tired but for some reason I can’t sleep. I think guilt is keeping me up. I didn’t write yesterday. I felt awful and I let it get the best of me. I woke up without a voice around 10:30, much later than I like to sleep. Immediately my mind flashed through a million silly little everyday things I was suppose to do, and I was frustrated before I even got out of bed. So yes, I was feeling sorry for myself.

Physically, I feel bad more days than I feel well. Mentally, nothing could be further from the truth. It’s a mind over matter thing. Most mornings I wake up tired, sick and achy but my mind is far too vibrant to be held down by a weakened body. I know how to squeeze optimum health out of a subpar system. Lately, I haven’t been doing what I know is mandatory. So, as usual, my failings are my own fault. Tomorrow…well, later on today, since it’s morning already, I will get myself in order. One bad day is just that. One day. Move on.

I very rarely have anxiety that blocks me from writing. Everyday, even if it is complete and total crap, I write. Yesterday I didn’t write a thing and it was such a sad day. I’m not a huge fan of tears, but I felt like crying. I just couldn’t find the motivation to do much of anything. Then I decided to allow myself to just have a day where there wasn’t a word count or a deadline or the swirl of thoughts about my novel in my head. It is possible that stress about writing, as much as I love it, is contributing to the demise of my health…..my lack of sleep. Here I am, just shy of four a.m. writing about how I didn’t write and how guilty I feel.

The only productive thing I did today was read. I laid on various pieces of furniture and read until it was time for work. Reading is important for writers. One of my favorite writers, Jonathan Kellerman writes detective fiction. I’m currently read Mystery, his latest book. The thing about Kellerman, who has written about 20 books (or more), in the Alex Delaware Series, is his ability to take detective fiction and turn it into a novel that bares qualities of mainstream fiction. Not to mention, this series generally has the same plot in every book, but Kellerman has such rich characters and good plot twists, that I still read each book with the same enthusiasm I had when I read Bad Love, over ten years ago.

Kellerman is a master of description. Sometimes I have to leave the lights on after I finish reading for the night because of the vivid descriptions of crime scenes. Other times I can see what Kellerman is describing so well that I take a little break from reading and daydream for a minute or two. I always end up back in the novel but I love the fact that I can see what Kellerman is talking about. I’ve never been to California but I can see Alex Delaware’s house with the Koi out back and his long time girlfriend Robin’s guitar studio. I feel like I’m right there with the characters, in southern California, at their house, or in the old Seville Delaware drives. I want readers to be able to feel like they are in the scenes with my characters. Do you feel like you’re in Detroit or on a train in southern Ontario? Are the images real enough for the story to come to life? That is what I want to work on today. I want my scenes to be as alive as my characters. The setting is also a character in this story. Michigan needs to feel different than Toronto and Boston. The readers need to feel like they are there along side the characters. Ah, I feel so much better now. I have a plan for the day. It’s a little after 4…..I think I’ll be able to sleep now.